The Corporate Party

Right up there on the list, somewhere between Wedding Receptions and Wakes is the dreaded company party.

Three instances in which one cannot get drunk fast enough. Believe me, there is a fine line between being drunk and being a fool at these events. The seasoned party-goer knows the key is to use the drink tickets in the first ten minutes of arriving, then take the occasional maintenance drink.

And never dance. Under any circumstance. But be sure to watch everyone else dance, because that's the real reason you're there. To see who is making a fool of himself.

All corporate events, be it the Winter Gala, a morale-building binge or the celebration of a milestone follow the same rough itenerary. The only thing that changes are the decorations and whether or not there are tables to sit at.

Phase 1: Entry. The filling out of the contest ballot, receipt of some sort of lighted device to wear, and the all-important acceptance of two drink tickets)

Phase 2: Drink tickets. This is a very short phase in which all the alcohol that two drink tickets and $10 can buy is consumed. Interspersed with finger food. On the big screen is a slide show of people at work, smiling for the camera, as if to be happy working at such a wretched place. Be sure to point out every picture of people who no longer work there.

Phase 3: Dinner. Whether it's sit-down, buffet, or stand-up boxes of food, it's sole purpose is to absorb some of the liquor.

Phase 4: Speeches. This is in effect the advertising break. Whoever paid for the event gets to speak and explain why the money was spent.

Phase 5: DJ. This is a good time to grab a smoke or another drink. Nothing to see here. Entice colleagues to chug beer.

Phase 6: Draw. Ballots are drawn for whatever prizes were put up as an bait to get people to show up. Phase 6 ends with 60% of the attendees leaving.

Phase 7: Drunken colleagues: This is where one gets to endure drunken monologues from colleagues about how they are the Corporate Saviour. If this is too much, one can dance. Try to find a corner where you're too far away for the drunks to bother walking to you, but you have a good vantage point of the dance floor so you can see the foolishness.

Phase 8: Taxi Chits. This is the highlight, because the company actually pays your way to get the hell out. The taxi chit should be used to obtain transport to whatever bar everyone decided to go to now that the shitty party is over.

Categories: Work, Party