The First Rule of Business

I think they teach this to you on day one. A very simple concept: If you are in the business of selling something, make sure whatever it is that you sell is in stock.

A very new trend has started in Toronto over the last few months. More people are buying Metropasses, mainly due to the ability of different people using them at different times. This in turn is causing a shortage. I suppose this is a good thing for the environment. If the trend in increased ridership continues, it will be a good thing for all.

For example, the TTC wants to be in a position within the next two years where every surface route offers a minimum of 6 day-a-week of service that runs as late as the subway.

In other words, they want to bring service levels to where they were in 1993.

It isn't completely the blame of mismanagement that the Commission has been digging out of a hole for the last 13 years. It is more a matter of a lack of public funding.

Selling out of Metropasses on July 31 I peg squarely on the TTC. If you do not have product you cannot sell it. If it is not sold, it is not used. Without the increase in ridership there is no increase in service. I attempted to purchase my pass on my way home. All three stations I checked were sold out. There was an option of joining a line of 30 people at Eglinton to buy one from a machine that looked too high tech for the commission. Of course, the TTC was playing an announcement they the pass was on sale at all collector booths.

I did receive a scoop that at 10 pm, Bayview station will have a new supply.

My dis-jointed entry is trying to tell you one thing: It all boils down to marketing.

My good friends if you have suffered through a litter advertising campaign, or a tax credit campaign, or the annoying taped announcements or even the hunt for product - you will agree the concept of marketing is not understood.

They can keep a bus on the road for 23 years and find an in-house solution to anything mechanical, but they can't market for shit.

Just look at their website vs STM in Montreal.

Case and point:

Visuals for the Tax Credit communication for both TTC and STM, from their websites:


Which provides the imagery of savings? Which one kind of scares ya?

One last word on public funding: The Metropass is $99.75. STM's CAM is $63 - and still in stock.

Categories: Transit, Rant

Friday Feast #104

Appetizer
What's the funniest dream you can remember having?

I know I've had funny dreams but I can't remember any of them. So yer out of luck.

Soup
If you were a dog, what breed would you be, and why?

Probably a collie or a lab, just 'cause they're usually respected in the park.

Salad
Continue this sentence: "I get confused when..."

...I'm in IT meetings at work.

Main Course
Name two things that need to be done, but you are procrastinating in completing.

The first is the removal of the carpet in my flat. Secondly, I know I should mail Mom's Mother's Day gift.

Dessert
When was the last time you tried something new, and what was it?

Huh. I suppose adding tags to my blog.

Categories: Feast

Don Mills Centre and Other Dead Malls

After over 50 years, the Don Mills Centre recently closed its doors. Originally a plaza (but converted to a mall in the late 70s), in the middle of the planned Don Mills community had some firsts. Included were on of the first suburban Eaton's and the first Shoppers Drug Mart. The mall fell upon some hard times in the early 90s due to recession, the closing of Eaton's and of course the more popular and renovated Fairview Mall - which incidentally is also owned by Cadillac Fairview.

I was a regular visitor over the last couple years simply because it was close to work, and had Jack's - you could smoke in the bar which was a huge bonus. In fact the biggest draw to mall was likely that spot.

Now it is empty and will soon be torn down. In its place will go a plaza and some condos. From what I gather the plaza will model after a new trend that is kinda plaza and kinda big box store.

One thing that is sure is the shopping mall in general is dead. The craze to build and convert plazas into malls in the late 70's and early 80's has left facilities that are not viable. Many in these parts are becoming relics unless they are able to find a niche.

Dollar stores should not be considered a niche, by the way.

This is a good site to start surfing Dead Malls. It contains many links to histories and pictures from urban explorers.

Categories: Exploration, Buildings

A Cool Trick

I'm sure you've all seen this before. Even if you have, I'm sure you haven't implemented it into everyday life:

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/fold.php

Give it a try. With practice, you'll be the talk of the laundry room!

Categories: Links

At Long Last

I recently posted about an ex I refer to as Mario. At the time I broke up with him, I was working my second career (I met him during my first career). I mentioned how I grew during that age of my life. I grew in the company of some great friends at work.

They shared some life milestones with the group and I shared mine. We did a lot of living together. We had it made.

After two years of planning, we finally managed to collect ourselves in one location. We really haven't changed. Only two still work at the same company, the rest of us have moved on in seperate directions. Yet, we haven't changed.

It was a great evening with lots of memories, updates and laughs. We picked up where we left off. It was all so natural.

A very interesting contrast to Sunday.

The past seems to carry a double-edged sword my friends.

One edge brings you to think of the past and what was.

The other brings you to think of the present and what could have been.

Categories: Friends, Relationships

Challenge Update

Here are my energy conservation efforts to date...hoping to win the Challenge:

The 15 watt flourescent lamp in the kitchen used to be on 24/7. It has been turned off.
I have unplugged a stereo.
I have dimmed the only living area lights I use - in the dinning room.
The hall light is no longer on unless I'm going to the can.
I pee in the dark.
I turned off the condensation feature on the fridge, and put it on factory temperature.
An oven restriction is in effect.

More to follow.

Categories: Conservation

When the Past becomes the Present

The most interesting thing happened to me yesterday. My ex - let's call him Mario - was at my haunt. Mario and I went our separate ways a couple weeks less than ten years ago. Blog entry on how that makes me feel old to come, I'm sure.

To put it more accurately, I ripped Mario's heart out of his chest, jumped on it, chewed on it & spit it out 10 years ago. To this day I feel badly about how he reacted. It had to be done, but perhaps with more tact.

It was our first relationship of that persuasion for both of us. Or is it each of us? In any event, it was a good run - 3 years or something like that.

Until yesterday we had not had a face-to-face conversation - or any for that matter - since the break-up. It was good to talk to him. Once I could finally look him in the face.

See, my wisdom tells me that memories of good things are stronger than bad things with time. Ten years is a long time ago, even if it's only a third the time 10 years was ten years ago.

Think about it.

Next: The single most important thing in a relationship is to nurture it. When all is said and done, the most important thing is that you learned a thing or two as a result of the relationship. That you grew.

Well my friends, this particular circumstance was the trigger for a great deal of personal growth. The enabler were the learnings I extracted from the relationship.

So now that I've had this damned fine reality check, where am I left? Seriously, where the hell am I? The door has opened for closure. What form should it take?

I feel like I'm standing at the dock in the heat. I hold a Passport in each hand. I look at one, and I start bitching at how long I've been waiting, how embarrassing it is to be repping the country. It's so glum, I fail to recognise the free escape this passport will give me.

I put the other passport in my pocket. It gives me the right to travel to this dock, and to have my feet where I stand. It's served its purpose for now, though. The land I stand on is the land I'm trying to get the fuck away from.

In short, I'm feeling overstimulated with a good dose of irony.

Categories: Relationships, Life

Friday Feast #103

Appetizer
Fill in the blanks: I ____________ when I _____________.

Stand/pee.

Soup
Name something you use to make your home smell good.

I love burning candle jars. I also put a saucepan of vinegar, cloves and pumpkin pie spice on the stove to simmer. But not until after September 15th, when The Challenge is done.

Salad
If you could receive a coupon in the mail for 50% off any product, what would you want it to be for?

Gold.

Main Course
Besides sleeping, what do you spend the majority of the hours of your typical day doing?

Working.

Dessert
What can you hear right now while answering these questions?

The TV, Mookie meowing and of couse the 401.

Categories: Feast

Are You Up for the Challenge?

If you don't live in Toronto and you don't pay for electricity, just keep moving - there's nothing to see here.

My 'lectric is not included in rent. I presumably have my own meter somewhere in the building, and get my own bill. I don't use a lot of power - I don't have to worry about heat or water heating and there only varieties of major appliance in here are a fridge and stove.

Toronto Hydro is offering a 10% discount if you reduce power consumption by 10% at the end of a two month period. So I could stand to save $6, plus of course the savings on the power I didn't buy. Most consumers I suppose will fair much better if they're successful, because they consume more electricity.

One small snag in this. It apparently was 8% hotter last summer (the time period they are comparing to determine if you met the 10%) than usual. So, they made an 8% adjustment in power consumption. A very arbitrary assumption it would appear. So this means one needs to reduce power by 18% - not 10 - in order to get the 10% discount. They aren't going to prorate your actual usage this year, so if it's 8% hotter again, you're out of luck.

Air conditioner usage is tied directly with the temperature. Its power consumption is noticeable on power bills. So if you're sucking electricity out of the grid, you're more likely to hit your target, and it will be easiest for you.

I have beat-up old fan that's missing it's grill. I use it every night of the year. In heat waves, I sometimes set it to '2.' It makes a negligible difference to my bill.

How on earth will I ever save the $6!

I currently use the equivalent of 5.5 100-watt light bulbs, glowing 24/7. I need to turn off 1.2 of these bulbs for 125 days to save the $6.

I shall try, but I highly doubt I can get close.

Important to note, from their website:

How will Toronto Hydro-Electric System Limited pay for this?

The estimated cost of the new 2006 Summer Challenge program is $5.6 million. $3 million will be funded through already allocated conservation and demand-management funding. The remainder of the funding will be determined in 2007, based on how successful our customers were this summer in achieving their 10% 2006 Summer Challenge. While this could mean a rate increase, Toronto customers and the environment are still far ahead with a successful Summer Challenge program.

In other words, if this challenge is successful, you'll be paying for it with a rate increase anyway.

Do me the favour and don't try to conserve this summer.

Categories: Conservation, Electricity

Urban Exploration

A friend of mine from the haunt is in the hotel industry. I had the good fortune last year of getting a tour of the Crystal Ballroom atop the King Edward Hotel. The King Eddy has a rich history, being built in 1903, and with a huge addition - bringing it to 18 stories - completed in the 20s.

So indeed, it has a rich and storied history, I suppose.

Today, the hotel's common areas are full of plaster work and murals, with a spattering of bad renovations.

The Ballroom was impressive. It's been closed for nearly 40 years, and is delapitated. The finishings are stripped. Just going from the modern floor into a time warp by climbing one flight of stairs was awesome. I'm trying to get me hands on the pics.

The above is an example of Urban Exploration. Except I had permission to be there. UE is comprised of a bunch of tresspassers who leave things as they find them. They do it Just for the wonder of it all - be it an abandonded building, a tunnel or a sewer.

Infiltration, by the way, is the exploration of 'active' buildings. Going into the kitchen of the Royal York for example.

This is an excellent site in that regard.

Surf for a while. In a couple hours, you'll see pictures of Lower Bay station, the depths of City Hall and One King West to name a few.

Categories: Urban, Exploration, Buildings

Today's Free Item

First of all there's something I need to tell you, so you can quickly get over it. I serve Mookie's food on a paper plate.

There is absolutely nothing more disgusting than washing a cat-food caked plate. It is so easy to fold and toss this way. No fuss, no mess.

Sorry, you gay-making trees. Payback is a bitch.

Dixie paper dessert plates at Loblaws went up in price to $3.89 (Steep, and a stupid price point. I would have made it $3.79. Doesn't look as expensive, and 09s and 89s are a waste of time). I'm sure at some point they were going to replace the $3.59 shelf tag.

As you know by now, I'm not a big fan of the whole Supermarket Employee Apathyfest. I was nearly beside myself with this one. I'm not going to get into the details 'cause I've still not calmed down. I get a little irrational with things like this. People, do not be surprised if my death certificate lists "Loblaws Customer Service Counter" as the place of my demise.

I am slowly coming to realise I wouldn't be nearly as irritated with these folks if they provided even the basics of customer service. I used to figure that CS was a simple matter of common sense. It is in fact not. Many naturally possess the skill. Others study the science to develop some tact.

Loblaws seems to neither hire the naturals, nor train the science. I'm picking on them today because of my interaction there. Dominion is however slightly better. In case you missed it from me, all are sub-par. If your treading shit so as not to drown, it really doesn't matter whether the shithole is 100 or 110 meters deep.

So all this frustration I've focused at two employees should really be aimed at Management. Who either appear never to be the floor, or dress in canned-goods camouflaged. In any event, it is absolutely obvious the fundamentals of customer service are not recognized and enforced.

Fundamentals of customer service, you ask?

Do not tell the customer you will take care of something that you aren't going to take care of it.
Make eye contact with the customer.
Serve one customer at a time.
Advise the customer of what you are doing, particularly if:

• You leave the counter;
• You have someone else take over the customer's issue;
• You are waiting on another employee to provide a price confirmation or
• You need to answer the phone

Acknowledge the customer
Answer all of the customer's questions
"It's policy" is not an answer
Aplogise to the customer for almost scamming them of money.

I saw all of this absolutely not being done, in the space of 10 minutes.

And all I got was a free pack of paper plates to compensate.

Categories: Retail, Rant

The Facecloth Mystery Solved!

I recently provided an account of my trip to Breederland. What I didn't mention was that the washroom attendant lives in my building.

One of the joys of apartment living is laundry day. There are a measily five washers and five dryers here - so one needs to know the best time to go to get a couple machines. (Weekday mornings or first thing on weekend mornings) Regardless of when I go, I'm sure not to take more than two machines at a time, and I fully expect the same from my gentle neighbours. I suspect the Asshole (see last post) tells his wife to use all of them.

In any event, my luck ran out one Sunday a couple months ago. All the machines were in use, with one person using three. This delayed me only a little, and I quickly got over the set back. When it was time to use the dryers, this guy (now known as the Washroom Attendant) and his wife were painfully taking facecloths out of the dryers and putting them in nice piles. I waited and waited. At no point did they come up with the bright idea of taking ALL of them out of the dryer and using the nicely appointed counter.

So I spent the time wondering, "Who the fuck needs to wash three loads of white facecloths?"

And now we know.

Categories: Neighbourhood, People

Well said, Sister!

We all have strangers in our lives. Most days, we see more strangers than people that we know. Strangers are generally cool, because they are more or less low maintenance. You don't have to talk to them for instance.

In my daily routine, I see a lot of the same strangers every day. I am indifferent to the majority of them. Some leave me to ponder what their slice of life is like. A precious few make it to my dirty thoughts. And fewer still are hated by me.

Strangers are easier to hate than to love.

One particular stranger who happens to live in my building is well hated by yours truly. Not because of what he wears nor what he looks like. I hate him for one simple reason.

Bus stop etiquette. Or lack thereof.

You see, every bus stop has its unwritten rule of boarding. Take for example Don Mills and Eglinton. The rule at the northbound Don Mills stop is to form a line. The rule for the westbound Eglinton bus is to gather in a crowd. These stops are a mere metres apart in distance, but kilometres apart in culture.

My morning bus stop is not nearly as busy. The general rule is first at the stop gets on first. Mind you, I always get on last at this stop. So it may not make sense why what you're about to read bothers me so much.

This jerk, regardless of how many people are waiting at the stop, and how many were there first, always butts in front of everyone to be the first on the bus. See, by the time this bus gets to my stop, either everyone gets a seat, or no one does. It's not like there is only ever one seat left. This leaves me to conclude he's just a selfish asshole.

As of late, when I've seen this fool at the bus stop, he's been with what I presume to be his wife. A few weeks ago, it was raining. They showed up and joined the others in the shelter. Being the cool cat that I am, I was standing under a tree smoking. He was in a jacket, she was holding an umbrella

The bus came. He ended up boarding first. I boarded second, since most of the folks allowed me, being that I'm so cool. At this point the whole situation is in Whateverville in my mind - a true asshole comes up with a variety of irritants. Buddy is just a half-assed asshole.

So the point?

As is custom, the wife gets off at the first major street a few stops down. Buddy gets off at my stop.

As we approach the wife's stop, I hear her say, "You are a self-centred, inconsiderate ass!"

Made my day.

The reason for her outburst you ask? Buddy wanted her to give him the umbrella before she got off the bus because he was going further than her. Meanwhile, he's in a jacket and still on the bus. She's in a sundress and about to get off in the pouring rain.

I suppose spouses are sometimes easier to hate than to love as well.

Categories: Neighbourhood, People, Transit

Sounds of the City

Southbound subway approaching Davisville. July 15, 19:04

Lady: unintelligble
mis-matched gentleman friend: Da-vis-ville. Ville. You know, you really should learn to properly pronounce the subway stations.
Lady: unintelligble
MGF: Well, I certainly would try to pronounce the subway stations in Mexico the right way. I think you should do the same here.
Lady: unintelligble
MGF: My spanish would be better, but I get confused because I speak French.
Lady: unintelligble
MGF: All I'm saying is if you can speak all those languages, you should be able to pronounce the subway stations properly.

Categories: Heard, Transit, Toronto

Friday Feast #102

Appetizer
Name one thing nice that you could do for someone else today.

It's curious to me that it's "could do" and not "did do." I shall answer both. I could donate a kidney. I was quite unfortunately detained helping some poor shopper whose desired can of tuna was beyond her reach. Hell, I can't save the world. I'll settle for unsolicited tuna-reaching as a really good day, deed wise.

Soup
When was the last time you were frightened by the weather?

I love weather, people. Gimme blizzards, thunderstorms and winds any day. The other day, it rained all day and was 23 degrees. I loved it. The day before that, there were thunderstorms. One of them pretty severe. It turned me on.

So, I present to you the three times I recall the weather scaring me:

1) When I was probably 4. My sister Victoria and I had received Magic Saucers I believe either for Christmas or a trip to Crappy Tire. So, after the next snowstorm, out we were sent with our stupid snow-sliding devices. As soon as I got out the side door, holding both handles on the evil entity, began the scary sequence of events. What I didn't know then but will never forget, is that it was a windy day. A gust of wind immediately got caught up with my Saucer. It took me out to the street. Now, there was a foot of snow on the road and no cars to be seen but I was 4. All I knew was this was not the proper way to cross the road. I almost dropped in my snow pants. I don't know if Victoria remembers this or not - as I was being blown away, she was screaming "Let go! Let go!" Smart girl that one. I thought I was going to be blown away to lost.

Come to think of it, the Saucer scared me. The weather was simply it's enabler. You see, the Saucer wasn't finished with me. One afternoon, Victoria and I went to the double hill with our Saucers. Except we went to the side hill. So down I go. Saucers it turns out rotate you. The next thing I know, I'm going backwards. Victoria all of a sudden screams "Look out!"

I ended up using the back of my head and a tree to stop. Poor Vic to this day tells me she thought I was gonna die. It hurt like hell, my friends. No long term effects, except I turned gay.

2) When I was around 8. There was a huge wind storm. In the evening our barn-style shed picked up and dropped several feet away in the back yard - taking out the clothes line. That night, the walls of the house were shaking I remember looking out the window and being really scared.

3) When I was 14. Shut up. We just moved to Toronto from Out East. Now, there weren't enough T storms for my liking where I'm from, so I was quite pleased with the frequency here.

A couple weeks after moving in, a severe thunderstorm struck at about midnight. I was in the living room, looking out the window at it. Lightning struck a nearby highrise with an immense clap of thunder. Scared the shit out of me. I immediately got on all fours, and crawled to my room - stairs and all. I got into my bed and trembled.

I thought I told you to shut up.

Ok, I admit it's a rather large bowl of soup. Sue me.


Salad
What would you say is the most useful website or blog that you visit?

Depends on my mood. I shall provide this link.

Main Course
Who was your favorite singer/group when you were a child?

My mother used to play a lot of records, so I have an affinity to some Neil Diamond, Anne Murray, Jim Neighbours and Mammas and Pappas tunes.

The first record I ever bought on my own was - and again I ask you to shut up - The Village People.

Damn you, tree! Damn you, Magic Saucer!

Dessert
Do you have any rituals? If so, what are they?

I always wipe my ass after taking a dump.

Categories: Feast

Take back the sidewalks

Contrary to what appears to be popular opinion, sidewalks are for Pedestrians. Sean and I were having this conversation walking down Jarvis recently.

According to the Pedestrian Charter, a Pedestrian is a person who walks or uses an assistive mobility device. Furthermore, Toronto's definition of a sidewalk includes its use is exlusively for Pedestrians.

So get your bike off my friggin sidewalk! If you can't run with the big boys on the street, then lock up the damn thing and take the bus.

It's like this, people. When the piano player prepares for his first set, he invariably throws a five in the tip jar.

If all the bloody bike riders rode on the street, car drivers will adjust. Eventually I suppose, like how they adjust after the first snow. And the next 5.

I present for you as an example: Montréal. The only time someone is riding a bike on the sidewalk in that fair city is if they just stole it. Montréal is more of a bike town than Toronto I can certainly assure you. Especially if you're a thief.

Be that as it may, I say rollerbladers can continue to use the sidewalks, simply because they usually have nice legs. Everything else, carry it.

Now, on to the non-Ped Pedestrians. Our scooter-mobile friends. The possessors of AMDs.

All for the AMD-use-of-sidewalk thing, although I think one should need to prove his need for it versus being lazy. I've seen people healthier than me on those things....but that's not my present point.

My point is, I don't think AMDs should be allowed to go faster than walking speed. I'm quite a fast walker....I got legs and I know how to use them. No one should ever be passing me. Especially not on a motorised vehicle in which the guy at the helm is too old to hold his head up.

Of course, if you're using your AMD to go for a jog, you're allowed to pass me.

And from now on that's what I'll tell myself every time you do it.

I was reminded of that recent walk (and rant) with Sean when I came across this Torontoist entry about sidewalk use.

Categories: Pedestrians, Toronto

"He's got diarrhea, here's some free food for that."

The last few days have marked the third anniversary of my father's death, and the subsequent week of arrangements, logistics, planning and emotion.

One item on the checklist was Mookie, who was being held in trust at the Ottawa Humane Society. I decided to take the poor thing. After all I am a cat person, and was without cat. Interesting sidenote - all through my life there have been cats in the house. Even with the family in four different houses, each had at least one cat.

So today marks the three years ago that I first met Mookie.

To commemorate the occasion, I jetted to Crappy Tire and got a rubbermaid storage bin, a cardboard scratching box (complete with cat nip), and a jug of kitty litter.

Mookie went at the scratching box and caught the idea of its use (versus my furniture) for about 3 seconds. He then went hog wild and tried to eat it.

He then proceeded to get stoned, took a leak in his new litter box, and has since been lying on the floor with a content BC Hydro look about him.

Happy Anniversary, Mookie!

Categories: Mookie, Life

Excursion to Breeder Land

My partner in crime in my new job is moving on to a new position on Monday. He will be at a different location for a different division. I am happy for his success, but sad to see him go. Especially since I'm still a noob in this job, and he has most of it figured out by now.

In any event, he organised a farewell at a club...I dunno what it is now, but it used to be the Big Easy. Very nice space, and nicely upscale. And $2.50 drinks 'till midnight.

We were there very early - 7. People started showing up at 10, in droves. Lots a girls, lots of boys, all straight. I was very much out of my element. When I party, I tend to go really gay and free up my inhibitions. This does not work well in a breeder bar.

I guess I'm really out of touch with the goods these days. I do not understand the following:

1) Guest List. If you weren't on the guest list, you were not likely to get in. This of course is common in the District. I suppose if I owned a club, I'd love to invite only those on a list. I however am not hip to that scene.

2) Washroom Attendant. I remember a time you'd take a leak, wash your hands, grab some paper, and be good to go. Now, there's a guy squirting soap on your hands and giving you a towel. How much are you supposed to top for that? I have no clue.

3) Double-fisting drinks. Any idea how ridiculous it is to be carrying two drinks in a packed club? I mean, please. This isn't a corporate party. or the Barn.

In this magical part of the world, there is a time when drinks goup in price breasts get sweaty and men start howling.

Midnight.

So like Cinderalla, I got the fuck out of there.

and met Sean at Pegs.

Sweet.

Categories: Breeders, Clubs, Friends

Friday Feast #101

Appetizer
When was the last time you visited a hospital?

Doesn't one visit art galleries and cemetaries? The last time I was in a hospital was sometime last winter. I went there to grab a coffee from the Second Cup on my way to work.

Soup
On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being highest, how ambitious are you?

I have a definate ambition cycle. I am very ambitious about little things, that suck up any ambition I have for important things. Which takes priority changes over time. So, I'd say right now I'm 9 for stupid things, and 5 for important things.

Salad
Make a sentence using the letters of a body part. (Example: (mouth) My other ukelele tings healthily.)

Scrotum: Some crazy raccoons opted to unleash mayhem.

Main Course
If you were to start a club, what would the subject matter be, and what would you name it?

It would probably be made of wood, and I'd call it the club.

But seriously. My club would relate to urban issues and culture along the vein of sites I've linked in this blog. As for a name, without giving it much thought, I'd settle for Concrete Playground or some such.

Dessert
What color is the carpet/flooring in your home

OK, people. Sit down. When I moved into this flat, I worked with the tenant who lived here just before me. I ended up buying from her a few items, including blinds and the wall-to-wall carpeting she installed throughout three years earlier.

That was in 1993. And the carpet is pink.

I finally decided in, let's say 2004, to lift up the carpet.

So far, the hallway is done.

What did I rate myself for ambition again?

Categories: Feast

The Corporate Party

Right up there on the list, somewhere between Wedding Receptions and Wakes is the dreaded company party.

Three instances in which one cannot get drunk fast enough. Believe me, there is a fine line between being drunk and being a fool at these events. The seasoned party-goer knows the key is to use the drink tickets in the first ten minutes of arriving, then take the occasional maintenance drink.

And never dance. Under any circumstance. But be sure to watch everyone else dance, because that's the real reason you're there. To see who is making a fool of himself.

All corporate events, be it the Winter Gala, a morale-building binge or the celebration of a milestone follow the same rough itenerary. The only thing that changes are the decorations and whether or not there are tables to sit at.

Phase 1: Entry. The filling out of the contest ballot, receipt of some sort of lighted device to wear, and the all-important acceptance of two drink tickets)

Phase 2: Drink tickets. This is a very short phase in which all the alcohol that two drink tickets and $10 can buy is consumed. Interspersed with finger food. On the big screen is a slide show of people at work, smiling for the camera, as if to be happy working at such a wretched place. Be sure to point out every picture of people who no longer work there.

Phase 3: Dinner. Whether it's sit-down, buffet, or stand-up boxes of food, it's sole purpose is to absorb some of the liquor.

Phase 4: Speeches. This is in effect the advertising break. Whoever paid for the event gets to speak and explain why the money was spent.

Phase 5: DJ. This is a good time to grab a smoke or another drink. Nothing to see here. Entice colleagues to chug beer.

Phase 6: Draw. Ballots are drawn for whatever prizes were put up as an bait to get people to show up. Phase 6 ends with 60% of the attendees leaving.

Phase 7: Drunken colleagues: This is where one gets to endure drunken monologues from colleagues about how they are the Corporate Saviour. If this is too much, one can dance. Try to find a corner where you're too far away for the drunks to bother walking to you, but you have a good vantage point of the dance floor so you can see the foolishness.

Phase 8: Taxi Chits. This is the highlight, because the company actually pays your way to get the hell out. The taxi chit should be used to obtain transport to whatever bar everyone decided to go to now that the shitty party is over.

Categories: Work, Party

Mookie's high expectations

I saw an ad for the most interesting service in Xtra.

Pets at Peace.

I must say, my moral realm is a scatter. I want to say this is campy, yet it's very sensitive for some. Plus, the ad was in the Pride issue, so it speaks to the sensitivity of us gays when it comes to our creatures. But I still want to say it's campy.

So, I conclude that in my particular situation this is campy. I shall shout it out from the balcony, people! But I am a sensitive guy. It's just all really terribly complicated.

See, I love Mookie. It's taken a very long time to come to that conclusion. He's given me enough reason not to like him at all. Trust me.

I have planned his final arrangements since about a week after meeting him. Even have a box of the perfect size. Of course, in the event that I find him elapsed upon stumbling home drunk at two in the morning, I also have a plastic bag of the perfect size, and a garbage chute next to me.

These plans remain unchanged.

The way I see it, If I'm paying some guy $50 to come to my flat in the middle of the night, it won't be for the emergency removal of Mookie's corpse.

Sorry, kitty. I love you.

Categories: Mookie, Gay, Life

Got murder on the mind?

If you're interested in following Toronto's murder scene, may I recommend Harding's T.O Homicide?

It's a good tracker, with links to maps, and Harding's other crime-related blogs.

Here's a pointless fact for you: As of June 20th, Toronto saw 28 murders. As of June 20th, New Orleans saw 55 murders, with a post-Katrina population now estimated at 200,000.

Categories: Links, Homicide, Toronto

Sounds of the City

Westbound platform, Woodbine subway station. July 1, 23:04

Chick #1: Well, she didn't know the commercial was for AIDS.
Chick #2: (audible gasp) Urm....
Chick #1: I know.
Chick #2: Oh my God, what's she gonna do?
Chick #1: She like totally needs the money, so she's doing it anyway, and will risk everyone thinking she's got AIDS.
Chick #2: Oh my God, that sucks!

Categories: Heard, Transit, Toronto

Canada Day

Every year after the alcohol-soaked, I'm having a party in my pants wanna come shindig that is Pride, comes the more provincial Canada Day.

Civilised, staid Canada Day.

A day where you can get cake at Queen's Park. Or a free water bottle at Mel Lastman Square. Or join the feds and 100,000 other folks at Downsview Park. For cake.

Whatever I do, it always pales in comparison to the vast amount of dedication to this country that I have. There are no huge parades, no real beer gardens, and definately no good acts on stage.

Last night I braved the rain and went to Ashbridges Bay to catch the fireworks. Decent fireworks, as they are every year. (Except for the year a bunch of us went down there, with a few thousand others, only to find out the city didn't shell out for fireworks that year).

I simply don't think we're loud enough on July 1. But I suppose that's what makes us Canadian. There are a lot of Americans downtown this weekend, and they are easily recognisable by their loud mouths. And the drivel that comes out of said mouths.

So every July 1 is the same, a pale shade of the vibrancy of this great country. Where conversations turn to the old standby, "What does it mean to be Canadian, and how are we different from Americans."

This July 1st was different in one small detail. While the govenment was busy administering the oath of citizenship for 2300 people, that's not all that was on thier plate: A family of five (including a kid that was born on this soil) were deported for being here illegally.

"They want to take me out of the country, but nobody can take Canada from my heart"
-Gerald Lizano-Sossa

And that, my friends, I suppose is what Canada is all about these days.

Categories: Canada, Issues